…will talk about mine only tangentially, as I will use my own experience of despair to comment on the post I made yesterday in the Learn Along Tools.
I remember my darkest times; they are not that long ago. At the beginning of this year, people also sent me those cute, little affirmation emails and thought my life would miraculously turn from many Dark Nights of the Soul (whoever named this in the singular form?!) to a happy and brightly shining future. Then, when I tried my best, and my present and future still looked worse than dim, I felt even more horrible:
- about myself for not being able to create my own present (GUILT, ANGER)
- about the universe not providing good things for me (NEGLECT, ANGER)
- about my inability, still, to see the few good things left in my life (SELF-DOUBT, SHAME)
- about my supposed friends, who could only provide advice that did obviously not work but refused understanding and compassion for my unique situation, etc. (NEGLECT, SADNESS)
So, how did I finally overcome this low patch that took me seriously underground (as into Hell, not just a valley) for a while? Really, it was a combination of things; it was NOT just “changing the way I perceived things;” it was NOT just “looking at the bright side of still having my apartment and cat and a great education;” it was NOT “adjusting my attitude about unemployment and dooming homelessness;” it was NOT being “patient with people who were just trying to help;” it was NOT those “New Age things” I had been reading about for years; it was NOT finding a church and saying “it’s all good now, I am saved!”
What it was, was a combination of things. In yesterday’s post I talked about “a sincere effort,” which honestly I did not even make anymore – or at least I was in too much despair to feel any determination. Yet, besides having moments of shutting out the world, I still listened to my friends – and even when I disagreed with what they suggested because it felt wrong for me, I got to see a different perspective. I also still did my long-distance course with the Peak Performance Program and learned and practiced new ways of healing with energy; after all, I had paid a lot of money for that course back in the day when I still thought I would be prosperous. I still struggled to understand the New Age notions of positive thinking, affirmations, etc., but I was contemplating them. I was still reading all sorts of books and listening to audio tapes about being in the Now and accepting of even the worst, which did not sit right with the concept of my creating my own world, of course. I still did the MerKaBa Meditation to raise my vibrations sometimes, even if I did not feel any of its effects at that time. BUT, I did things. And every once in a while, something clicked into place.
Although it took several months for me to get extremely angry at a friend one night who told me to “reframe” my experience by seeing the lesson in it (after all, why would I have to be taught a lesson again, haven’t I been punished enough?), it finally clicked into place. Bits and pieces of all the things I had learned from books, friends, my course, and experience finally made it clear to me that first and foremost I must heal the pain that got triggered by the messages from those books, friends, and course.
In retrospect, of course, it seems simple. I was in pain, so the way to feeling better was to deal with the pain. What was difficult was less the realization of that pain, after all I was either crying or in a stupor, but the way to healing that pain. If you notice, the things I listed above I felt bad about have to do with GUILT, SHAME, SADNESS, ANGER, SELF-DOUBT, NEGLECT, etc. Those feelings were the ones I needed to express, forgive, and process before I could do any of the other things such as reframing, thinking positively, being content regardless of my life situation, live in the Now, and so on.
Generally, unless a person becomes jaded and bitter, we clear those feelings over long periods of time. Often, though, the time to clear those emotions is too short before some other dramatic/traumatic event happens. The result is an accumulation of unprocessed emotions and pain that eventually catches up with us. Without going into current theories of Earth’s moving into higher vibrational dimensions or the current lifestyle of the West that seems less than conducive to healing and fully living rather than to patching with antidepressants and contributing to productivity, I think most of us agree that this kind of prolonged PAIN is unhealthy and undesirable.
Therefore, if you tried the tapping for prosperity I posted yesterday and feel it is all a bunch of bull, accept that. Dive into the feeling and live it. Express it by yelling at a wall or under your bed covers, crying as long as the tissue box will yield you Kleenex, steam until your house looks like a foggy night in London, or squirm in shame like you were the tiniest worm. The KEY to not going down a spiral of relentless anger turning into revenge, crying yourself into the darkest depression, steaming without throwing curses, squirming without believing a person like you should not dare live is to remember that this needs to be done in a SAFE SPACE, in which curses dissipate before they hit their target, in which there is the comfort to let you know you are valuable, in which any emotion or thought of yours is forgiven without judgment.
Giving your emotions wings is hard to do. I had help. And layer by layer, those painful feelings of anger, shame, guilt, sadness, and neglect took flight and left me a lighter person. With a lighter heart and a head less clouded, I now see the value of those affirmations and use them as a gauge – does this mantra hold true for me? If not, what is coming up? Is it anger or sadness? Then I process the emotion until the statement holds true. And I have cleared another layer of pain.
Very few people on Earth are in a place of complete equanimity and still engage in this world living a “normal” life. But a few people have found their way closer toward that state and are happy to help others along the way. If you, at any point in your journey, need or want the help of someone who has figured out a few more things, has tools to ease the ride, and is trained to hold a safe space in compassion and non-judgment, please approach us. We are here to help!